Bad@ss Guest Post by Anza Goodbar:
When I ask clients about the intimacy level in their relationships, they automatically assume I’m asking about their sex life. While sex is a component of intimacy, having GREAT sex is a byproduct of building intimacy outside of the bedroom.
Women need to feel a deep connection with their partner before they can let their guard down and really experience all of the pleasure that is possible in the bedroom. Before that conversation can take place, we must look at the level of emotional connection we have with our partner and address issues that are interfering with communication and trust.
If your relationship is experiencing a slump, these five tips will help invigorate and revitalize your intimacy levels:
You have to focus on yourself before you can focus on the relationship.
We must learn to love ourselves before we can truly love our mate. We have to know ourselves insight and out. That means we need to be able to identify our needs so we can articulate them to our mate. It is our responsibility to teach our mate how to love us and provide pleasure to us, both inside and outside of the bedroom. Using a journal to spot trends in behavior or patterns in communicating can help bring awareness to areas where inner-work is required to create the shift you desire in your relationship.
Ask your mate to do the same and discuss similarities and differences. Create an action plan to close the gap.
Practice making requests for what you need without feeling guilty.
Learn to say yes to yourself as part of your regular self-care routine. This might include asking for help with housework, carpooling or getting the kids ready for bed.
Between careers, running a household, and building a successful relationship, we often put ourselves at the bottom of our priority list.
This means our needs usually go unnoticed and that leaves room for resentment to get a foothold. Men can’t read our minds, we have to be able to articulate what we need in a succinct way for them to act on it. Don’t assume he should just know.
Let go of feeling the need to justify your requests. Create an agreement with your spouse that all requests are legitimate and need to be treated as such. To serve each other at your highest level, you need to be at your very best, you will become better partners, lovers, and parents.
Ask your partner to make a list of his needs that aren’t being met in the relationship and develop a plan to be more mindful of each other’s needs. Open up the discussion for negotiations to find a win/win solution for both of you.
One of my favorite tools to use to help couples re-establish intimacy in their relationship is Dr. Gary Chapma’s book, “The Five Love Languages.”
When it comes to expressing love and appreciation for our mate, we can fall short by merely using language that is meaningful to us, by default, speaking in our primary love language. If our mate doesn’t share the same primary language, our efforts can fall on deaf ears. Learning to communicate in words and actions that are meaningful is an essential step to building emotional intimacy. Having this knowledge empowers us to make changes that demonstrate our partner is our priority.
Let go of the need to blame and shame your partner.
When we fall short, we often have a gremlin (internal self-talk) who berates us for the lack of follow through. We don’t need to spend time bashing our mate. Learn to accept 100% responsibility for your actions. Own up to it and find a plan to move on. Make amends where needed and identify ways not to repeat the offense. Use loving and kind words to practice self-compassion as well as compassion for your spouse.
Face the fears that hold you back from being authentic and vulnerable with your mate.
Fear of being rejected or fear of losing our mate can cause us to hold our tongue when it comes to getting our needs met. In our quest to be known, we must first understand and love ourselves. If we are unsure of who we are and what our core values are we run the risk of losing ourselves by trying to become the person we think our partner wants us to be.
When we are not being true to ourselves, our mate can sense the inconsistency, and it can erode trust. Building emotional intimacy requires letting our guards down and setting aside judgments of ourselves and our spouse.
Building a stable relationship that will last a lifetime takes intentional effort. The concept is simple, but the work required is never easy. There is no one-size-fits-all cookie-cutter recipe for every couple. It takes some experimentation and a journey of personal discovery to identify the path for your particular situation.
If you are committed to creating a relationship that allows energy that supports passion, intimacy, love, trust, loyalty, and forgiveness, you have to dare to face your biggest fears and be vulnerable. Bringing your concerns into the light will diminish the power that anger, distrust, and disillusionment have over you. Practice daily gratitude for your partner and keep a positive attitude as you build a wildly happy life together!
Anza Goodbar’s giftedness is influencing people to identify their passion and reach their full potential. Her profound interest in understanding what causes people to feel worthy, visible and fulfilled gave her strength to face life’s challenges head-on.
Through intensive training and education, she has discovered how to love herself unconditionally, remove the shame of sexual and physical abuse from her story, and inspire others by rising above her circumstances.
She currently empowers her clients to overcome their fears and create deeper more intimate relationships from the boardroom to the bedroom through private coaching, mastermind groups, public speaking, and couples retreats.
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