What Intimacy Really Is 

The 8 layers of the basic fundamental human need: Intimacy: IntoMeYouSee

1) Spiritual & Mindful Intimacy

In order to become the best version of yourself, you have to KNOW yourself.

Self-revelation. It's about revealing yourself.

Life can steal away your own desires and passions in life. These simple but overlooked and sometimes even neglected aspects of your life are what make you, YOU. In order to thrive during your time here on earth, you must seek out your Divinely given purpose and gifts. These are not “I should be or If only” limiting thoughts. Those are the words of the critical voice from a parent, spouse, boss, or even your child (or from yourself). Those are words of perception trying to shape who you ought to be instead of nurturing who you ARE.

In order to convey and start living a fulfilled and intimate life, you must know WHO you are. Are you shy, but bold? Are you a fitness buff and zealous for a healthy lifestyle but feel like your husband isn’t interested? Are you not a “kid-person” but you don’t mind babysitting? Are you a cook who has the hidden talents of Emeril Lagasse but order take-out 5 days a week because someone criticized one of your meals before?

WHO. ARE. YOU?

Everything you say and do reveals something about who you are. Take in account the things you don't say and the things you choose not to tell others about yourself. Your life is about sharing yourself with people in your sphere of influence.

But are you afraid to do so?

You may be afraid that if people really knew you, they wouldn't love you.

That is the deepest of all human fears, loitering in the heart of every person.

In my 5 Days To A Remarkable Marriage Email/Video course, I have included a Spiritual Intimacy Quiz to discover how close you are to becoming the best version of yourself knowing that you are Divinely loved, accepted, and cherished just as you are.

Here’s a short checklist, some questions to ask yourself, so you can be 100% on board with your Divine purpose in life while becoming the best version of yourself - apologetically!

• Who was I before marriage/kids (what did I enjoy/do as a non-negotiable)?

• When I pray, do I feel a pull to share a message/my talents through my business?

• If I could do anything, I would…. So why am I not just because I’m married/a parent?

• How can I INCLUDE them in this passion of mine?

• Knowing that this is ME (my dreams, desires, likes, dislikes, etc.), why did I change and will I consider implementing my Divine purpose no matter what from now on?

You may be afraid to reveal yourself because you think you’ll be rejected by someone you care about the most. However, it is only by revealing yourself and who you ARE that you become open to the possibility of truly being loved. You simply can’t be loved for who you are if no one know who you are.

Keep in mind who you are and hold onto that vision and feeling that feels RIGHT, even though it may feel a little bit scary. Keep praying and validating your Divine gifts and purpose for your life. THIS is the first step to illuminating your intimate self for others to see and LOVE you as you truly are.

Choosing to unwillingly reveal yourself will constantly make you feel alone.

Remember, you’re not required to MAKE people love you and accept you, that’s a gift and honor they can choose as their own non-negotiable and be richly blessed!

"You have to learn to enjoy your own company. Before you can learn to be with someone else, you need to learn to be alone. Until you are comfortable being with yourself, you will always be afraid of being alone.” ~Matthew Kelly

2) Non-Sexual Intimacy

This is the sweet, dark and velvety-smooth chocolate paired with the finest red wine that has just the right amount of dryness to complement your chocolate morsel. Discovering Non-sexual intimacy is everything related to sharing moments with a loved-one without any intentions or expectations of sexual intercourse or variations thereof.

Non-sexual intimacy can be expressed through non-verbal body language (again, no sexual innuendos) and  non-sexual physical touch/gestures such as:

• Massage (shoulders, hands, neck, back, etc.)
• Hand-holding
• Hugging
• Walking together
• Sitting next to each other
• Chatting with one another
• Kissing (not passionately)
• Showering together
• Cuddling
• Handwritten notes
• Cooking together
• Sleeping together
• Praying
• Meditating
• Sharing hobbies, dreams, & aspirations
• Comfort in each others bodies
• Feeding each other
• Respect for who the other person is
• Listening to one another’s heart beat
• Play fighting
• Laughing with each other
• Intentional eye contact
• New experiences together

This is just a start! Think of moments when you are together with someone, how is it meaningful, memorable, and pleasurable in a non-sexual way?

Most of your non-sexual experiences with someone will include using your sensuality (see next). Again, this isn’t sexual, it’s partaking in pleasure using your senses: what you see, hear, taste, touch, and smell.

Non-sexual intimacy, in my humble opinion, the most powerful (second to Spiritual) intimacy layer. There are so many mini-layers to non-sexual intimacy that the possibilities of what two people can share and discover together are limitless.

This is where you have a lifetime to share yourself with the one(s) you love the most. The deeper layers of non-sexual intimacy will only be shared with those closest to you. Which will more likely be your spouse, children, siblings, or parents. They are more than likely going to be the people who genuinely love on you and support you to become the best version of yourself.

Long after you are well into your golden years, non-sexual intimacy is the cementing-bond of your commitment with one another. 

It’s what makes a man never leave his wife’s hospital bed side. 

It’s what keeps a woman grooming her husband well after the time he cannot do it himself. It’s the instant connection you give your soul-mate the moment your eyes meet that will always silently affirm It’s us against the world, nothing will break us.

Every moment together matters and through non-sexual intimacy, you feel it. It’s an unfailing sense of belonging.

3) Sensual Intimacy

If you have ever smelled the aroma of fried chicken or chili simmering in the crock pot, you KNOW that you just experienced a sense of pleasure. A pleasing feeling that descends over you like a hug of comfort knowing that the best food is about to ignite your taste buds and fill your belly. 

This is sensuality. 

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When a mother holds her newborn child, the smell of her baby’s head, their warm body next to her skin as they lay upon her bosom - is sensuality. A mother takes immeasurable pleasure holding her child for the first time as love blankets them in safety and contentment.

This is sensuality. 

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The moment your eyes experience a breathtaking landscape, the stained glass mural masterpiece in the heavens above, there’s a subtle pleasure-moment that you just experienced. One that is so captivating and energizing, you hold the moment, letting it fully wash over you.

This is sensuality. 

Feel the rigidness instantly release simultaneously as your eyes roll back in sheer relief as the tension melts away followed by a deep exhale-groan of pleasure and relaxation. You collapse into stress-relief submission under the physical connection as hands glide up and over like a rhythmic dance of pressure and release.  Take note of the pleasure felt by therapeutic touch and connection on your body. Whether it happens to be a deep tissue massage or a simple stoke of affection along your cheek or arm…

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This is sensuality. 

Taking note of your senses and by magnifying them for a few moments, it can bring not only non-sensual pleasure, but it brings on an awareness of what you enjoy and partake pleasure in. This is how you keep joy in your soul and happiness in your heart. 

4) Feminine Intimacy

Womanly, ladylike, girlish, and delicate. As a woman, you have a physical appearance that eludes curvaceousness and a sleekness that only women can truly embody.

As a woman, you will stand out in a crowd. You will instantly be recognized as a sex. So how will you intimately portray your femininity to your spouse, child, parent, friend, co-worker, boss, and even, yourself?

How you feel in your body will be the feminine energy you share with others. Are you reserved and grounded or are you free and living comfortably in your body?

Every interaction you have with someone, portrays how you feel within your own skin. Similar to Spiritual/Mindful intimacy in the notion that you discover yourself and Divine purpose, feminine intimacy is going to another layer centered around your relationship with your body as a woman in the 21st century. Are you vibrant, secure, and flushed with an energizing spirit? Or do you feel exposed, helpless, and paralyzed within your own body due to the current state of the skin you’re in?

As women, we have the glorious butterfly transition-effects that happen throughout set stages in our lives. And this focus is because of our sex, our lady bits, our hormones, and our gifted ability to bring forth life into in the world.

Take your feminine vessel and nourish her. Water her garden and pull out the weeds that invade her space. Use the tools you have to strengthen your garden and build up her fertility so that you are producing fruit - whether it’s in the womb of life or body of health. Your feminine energy is a sacred superpower that can defeat the greatest of foes or wither away under the stress and agony of life’s burden.

Your feminine intimacy is your relationship with your body. Un-seize and release the burdens (unhealthy habits, body shaming, lack of care for yourself, etc.) that are not yours to carry, because the Masculine force is your stronghold, give him something to protect and nurture as well.

Truly accepting yourself as a woman while allowing your feminine vulnerabilities to be sacred, yet shared with one other masculine body embodies feminine intimacy. Your feminine dynamism can be both balanced and dynamic, you only have to let your inhibitions go.

5) Emotional Intimacy

This takes time. There is a deeper layer that involves humility and vulnerability that naturally, you may not be comfortable with in the beginning. Developing your emotional intimacy takes time - as you want to be sure that it is safe to let your guard down and allow the other person ‘in’.

This may come harder to allow in your life because if you have been hurt, betrayed, or rejected in the past, it could take even longer. Even so, living in the past and bringing alongside with you doubt and fears into your current relationship shouldn’t have the fear mongrel tagging along, convincing you that revealing yourself is a bad thing to do. This only causes the fear to manifest itself over and over again sabotaging your relationships in the long-term.

There are fearless ways that you can reveal yourself without feeling uncomfortable and having the lingering threat of rejection, hurt, or betrayal. 

You can certainly start with the simple positive and healthy ways of revealing yourself through emotions. A friendly smile, gesture, or words of encouragement go a long way when first developing an intimate connection with someone.

Through emotional intimacy, observation, is the driving force that connects you to someone else, no matter how brief.

Start with yourself - how do certain people, circumstance, situations, words, or opportunities make you feel? How do others around you, by observing them, respond back to you?

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Look, feel, smell, hear how they respond. What is their body language saying? Do they look relaxed and at east in your presence?

Does everything seem okay, or is there something “off”? Take note of people who are not comfortable and at ease in your presence. Perhaps there is something you could change about how you relate to those around you… especially your spouse and children.

There are 7 intricate layers of emotional intimacy that dig deeper into your interactions and reactions with those around you. They are:

1. The “Regular”: impersonal small talk that eludes comfort for initial contact with people
2. On Point : small talk about yourself, the weather, or current affairs, just getting the facts
3. Reflections : accepting others’ opinions and willingness to agree &/or find a common ground
4. Promised Land : willing to delay instant pleasure for joint desires & aspirations revealed
5. Feelings : vulnerable to share real feelings & healthy expression of self & listen to others
6. The Wounds : sharing faults, past hurts, willing to forgive self and others, healing choices
7. Non-Negotiables : knowing and responding to needs; love language fulfillment, lifestyle of supporting each other’s best version of yourselves - physically, emotionally, spiritually, & sexually

Completing your journey through emotional intimacy involves your relationship that challenges and encourages you to become the best version of yourself while at the same time, you encourage and challenge your spouse to become all that they can be - a better version of themselves through humility and vulnerability.

6) Unattractive Intimacy

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There’s nothing more sad in a relationship when you no longer are physically attracted to your spouse. This isn’t what unattractive intimacy is though. Unattractive intimacy is a deeper layer within your subconscious personality that is visible for all to see, hear, and experience, but you may not know that you reveal these traits more often than not. And it’s usually not pretty.

This is the “ugly” side of intimacy in our lives. We all have an unattractive intimacy side. This is the cruel and arrogant side of a person. Some people can be more extreme than others, but there’s no doubt that we all have this layer in our lives. We are not perfect and so, this ‘ugly’ side of intimacy exists in all of us.

Here are some personality traits/behaviors you may notice within yourself (people try to ‘justify’ these because of someone else’s behavior. We’re not judging, it’s an observation and ALL humans struggle with this):

• Self-hating

• Sarcastic

• Passive aggressive

• Dejected and rejected

• Powerless

• Impatient

• Spiteful

• Vindictive

• Quarrelsome

• Controlling

• Critical

• Inconsiderate

• Uncaring

• Unresponsive

• Resentful

• Malicious

• Indifferent

Recognizing and bringing an awareness to the unattractive intimate layer of yourself can turn into your stepping stone of building up a better and higher version of yourself. So, take a step back and recognize with an open-mind how you can defeat and diminish this unattractive side of yourself from partaking in moments you experience with others.

A life plagued with unattractive intimacy may experience a feeling like you are living in an artificial harmony of life.  ~Coach Andi

If you simply deny this intimacy layer, like it doesn’t pertain to you… you deny yourself the rare and sacred opportunity to ruthlessly love another person and to allow yourself to be loved in return.

It is the troubled relationship that may lead you away from your Divine purpose. There will be people who “encourage” you to actually be a lesser-best version-of-yourself. Be wary and on guard (create Intimate Boundaries). 

7) Sexual Intimacy

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A serene pleasure experience  through the acts of physical love, respect, and selflessness to give up your body for another while taking in your spouse’s body for yourself. It’s one of the most harmonic rhythm of give and take, please and be pleased, act of love-making between a man and a woman.

Intimate sex is connecting two souls into one, intentionally and without force, malice, deception, or selfishness. Do not confuse sexual intimacy with just having casual sex. Casual sex is just the physical act of having… sex. Period.

Treasure it, keep it sacred, and let not everyone use it.

8) Business Intimacy

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Business women are flourishing and operating in their zones of genius all across the world. They are using the best version of themselves (like you) to serve a central purpose with their unique gifts with steadfast & profitable boundaries.

This layer is often neglected as women tend to be natural givers. They give amazing advice, they give to their families while building up their businesses, they give free services, they give out their time and expertise; they just keep giving and giving.

In order to maximize on this layer of intimacy in business, you must recognize your gifts and talents and the value you bring within your products or services. Once you are solid on what you have to offer, this is when you maximize on your gifts and how often you choose to give them away.

You’ll find yourself become comfortable with how and what you give while developing a receiving mindset of possibilities and wealth.

Start by developing a sense of the value of your products and services and set a boundary on what is ‘giveable’.

• Realize your worth and what only you have the capability to offer your ideal clients.
• Develop a rhythm to receive help and care to operate fully in your zone of genius when the time warrants.
• Create your “I Am” statement to solidify your business stance and completely separate this from your hobbies.

Your intimate business relationship ought to have non-negotiables that are concrete and unfaltering.

• Take and accept your zone of genius and stand firm to get paid. 
• Take on new clients who are a match for only your zone of genius and need you the most.
• Take on the responsibility to stay consistent and forthcoming with your needs to operate under the best circumstances.
• Take money from people who want to pay you. 

Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Your business is sacred and it’s yours to keep. It’s not to be given away nor limited for the taking and receiving of the values only you can provide.

This is your business, connect with it, profit from it, and become the best business-savvy version of yourself for your ideal clients to rave about.